I Popped My Bubble

I no longer live my life inside a bubble. I have no bubble anymore. It popped when I moved to Seoul. And now I'm starting to see life from a new perspective. My eyes have been opened to the rest of the world... outside the comfort and security of my little bubble that I called home.

I don't really have a home anymore. When people ask me where home is, I stare blankly for a minute before saying, "I'm not sure". I guess right now my home is Seoul, South Korea. However I don't speak or read Korean and I stick out like a sore thumb. By the way, how does a sore thumb stick out anyway?

So now you might be wondering, "What is life like outside your bubble"? Well, let me tell you... so scary and uncomfortable yet so satisfying and fulfilling at the same time. Make sense? I know, no, not really, but that's how it feels.

I'm growing so much spiritually in my life right now. I'm starting to realize how much I've lived a life of privilege, wealth, and excess in a country that is so focused and obsessed with money and things of this world. Living in Amreica, it's so hard not to get sucked in. It's a pressure that has always pulled at me. I think as I grew up, money and things became my idols; things I couldn't live without. I didn't realize how addicted I was to that life until trying to live without it all.

Deep in my heart, the part where God resides, I desire the humble life. I truly want to purge myself from the burden of always feeling like I need more. I want so much to be satisfied and content with what God has given me. After all, it's so much more than most others in the world will ever know. It's just that my selfish desires always seem to get in the way. I mean, I loooove clothes. I love when I have something new to wear. It seriously brings me more happiness than almost anything else in this world. It's just that, after a few times wearing those new clothes, they lose their newness and I'm craving more new clothes. This gets expensive and is also unnecessary (though I often try to convince Dusty otherwise). My point is that the majority of people in the world need this money a million times more than I do. I've been very convicted of this since moving to Seoul and opening my eyes to the rest of the world.

I've been told before how blessed I am and though I knew it must be true, I could never grasp the full meaning. Now I'm starting to comprehend what I've been hungry to understand for so long. And while it's good to have that breakthrough, I am left with a difficult choice to make. With this new understanding, do I continue to live a life of excess or do I humble myself and learn to live a life of humility? It's constant battle in my head.

It's not that I feel I must be poor, but I truly do wish to live without the excess. So how do I overcome my addiction? Well, this is where God comes in. He is what sustains me. Everyday, it seems He calls me to humble myself in some way, to do with less, to open my eyes to those less fortunate. And everyday, I've been choosing to follow Him. With each decision, my faith in Him grows deeper. He's slowly molding me; I'm slowly letting Him. I'm finally letting go of control. I'm surrendering. He's in control now and He's using me. I can feel Him using me and it is the most amazing feeling. He's preparing my way and putting amazing opportunities in front of me.

I'm seeing the world outside my bubble for the first time. It's a world of pain and suffering; a world desperate for God. I want to show them who He is. I want to show them the love that He has shown me. I want them to know the peace and satisfaction that comes with knowing Him. I don't want to turn my back on the world anymore. I'm learning that joy doesn't exist in selfish greed and excess but in the freedom of simplicity and the opportunity to show others God's love.

We just finished another week at SEV and it was a success. I'm tired of teaching, but pretty good physically. As the week goes by, the kids seem to know what they can get away with or just don't care because their behavior seems to worsen. I was so frustrated in my last class because my kids couldn't get the concept of pictionary. I would show a kid from each team the word and they would go and write it down. So then I told them that they had to draw a picture. They conversed in Korean and agreed on what I was trying to say, so I thought they understood. So when I gave them the next word, they drew a picture and then wrote the word. So finally I reverted to just drawing the picture myself and having the kids stand around and guess what it was. They did understand that, thankfully. And then it was time to go. You wouldn't think our job could be that hard, but man, it was frustrating.

We're working this weekend now too. So we only get Sunday off, and then another day during the week. I guess alot of the money they make is on the weekend, so we have all the way through December booked up for weekends. Rebs and I are both teaching the KB (Kukman Bank) kids. Their education is sponsored all the way through college by the bank, so we run special programs for them every other weekend. It's the more standard style of teaching, out of workbooks and such. If you've ever taken a foreign language class in middle or high school, you can relate to what we're doing. One thing that I've realized is how hard it had to be for my teacher at times when I was in school. I remember when I took German classes and how frustrating it must have been for my teacher when we didn't do our homework, or didn't put any effort into it. Here she was, investing her heart into her work for us, and of course we were the typical teenagers who took much of it for granted. Now I can relate because I'm on the other side of the mirror.

I can't explain how much we are looking forward to getting paid. I can't say that we are in wanting, but it will be very nice to have money again. If you didn't know, we don't get paid until December 7th, which is about a month and a half of being here with only the money we came with and a $400 stipend for the both of us. I don't think it would be a big deal if the apartment had been furnished already when we got here, but other than a hot plate, refrigerator, and a bed, we were without. So imagine when you moved into a new place, especially you first house, and all the extra unexpected expenses you had, like needing a trash can and a cutting knife, or a shoe rack. It's like completely starting over again.
I think the difficult thing for me is that I am somewhat of a frugal spender. It has been engrained in me since birth not to be wastful. Well, everything we buy here, we will most likely not be able to take back with us. It makes me think about what it will be like when I die. Leaving Korea will be much like dying. It's really good for living in the here and now. Whatever we get, we will only enjoy while we're here, and then we will either leave it here or spend just as much sending it home as we would to buy it new whenever we got home. I'm sure if I were by myself, I would be buying alot less stuff. But there is so much more to think about when you're married. If I want to stay up later and read while Rebs goes to bed, then my options are to either leave the light on in bed (which is fairly inconsiderate) or go into the other room and sit in a chair that isn't very comfortable...and my feet get cold. So I am left with the delimma of how comfortable I want to be and how frugal I want to be. If I am frugal, we may pay off a little more money on school loans. If we are more comfortable, it may just take longer to do it.
I think my fear (this is deep within my mind now) is that I develop tendencies over time. So if my tendency is to spend money, then I will do it more freely and think less about it. If I save, then I will always think to save. Here's an example. Rebs always buys my clothes for me because, she thinks, I don't like shopping for myself, that I don't like to spend money on myself. It's actually the other way around. I enjoy buying stuff for myself, but if I start, it's easy for me to get carried away and spend a lot more than I need to. So rather than trying to regulate myself, which I have always had to do, I opt to not shop at all.

One of the great things about Korea that I love is that they put their old stuff out on the curb for anyone to take. Like if you have an old dresser that you just replaced, then you put the old one outside on the weekend and someone will walk by and decide they need it in their house. We got two night tables this way just this last weekend. I went for a run and came back with a night stand. It's pretty antique-looking and very cool. When I saw that Rebs saw it and liked it, I went back to get the other one that matched it. Yah for free stuff! It makes me feel better about not wasting my money when we leave.

I'm such a cheapskate.

ROCK CHALK!!!

ATTENTION:

Kansas is now 11-0 for the season in FOOTBALL! WHAT? FOOTBALL? Yes, that's right, football. We are now ranked No. 2 in the country in FOOTBALL! Crazy, Crazy, Crazy exciting. And we are gearing up for a big game against Missouri on Saturday. They are ranked No. 3 and are our biggest rival. Let me rephrase... this game is HUGE! Rock Chalk Jayhalk. Once a Jayhawk, always a Jayhawk. I'm so proud to be a Jayhawk. I love you, KU.

Brrrrr!!!

Just thought I'd let you all know, it's 21 degrees Faranheit outside right now and yes, it's only November 18th. Oh my gosh, we're going to freeze.

I can't talk, but I can still write

It's official. I've lost my voice completely. I've been fighting this stubborn cold for over a week now. I'm finally starting to feel better but this morning I woke up with no voice. I had to take the day off of work. So much for that bonus we receive for perfect attendance. The good news is that I get to rest and catch up on e-mails (which I'm so behind on). And I'm not sure my e-mail is working because I haven't been receiving many replys lately. I hope it's just that everyone is keeping busy and hasn't had time to write back.

I'm starting to feel more at home here and now that I'm feeling better, I have more energy which is helping me feel better emotionally too. I think I'm on the way up. I really do think I'm going to love it here. Just the transition part with all the adjustments is what's difficult. But I think the hardest part is over. Last night we got to go see the musical, Footloose...the Korean version. It was extremely entertaining. A big group of us went after work. It was a University play and we got in free because one of the girls we work with was a senior in the theater department there last year and she got us all tickets. It was all in Korean but I could still follow mostly what was happening. Watching some of the Korean guys dressed up in jeans, suspenders, and a cowboy hat dancing was absolutely hilarious. But the acting, singing, and dancing was great quality.

Well, I must go eat some Kimchi and rice now.

Bye.

Writing and Resting

Dusty and I are taking a day of rest today. I think we've been needing it since we got here. I've been battling a nasty cold all week. Right now I'm drinking ginger tea with honey. It's supposed to be good for you. I think my cold has moved mostly to my chest and I've been coughing up a lot of crap, which is good because it means it's on its way out. All the changes have been such a shock to my system the past few weeks. My diet changed dramatically overnight and suddenly my body is forced to adjust. That, along with the time change, new surroundings, air pollution, change in weather, and new germs and bacteria has taken its toll on me physically. I've felt really tired all week and have been sleeping 9-12 hours a night. From talking to other teachers, what I'm going through is common. Most foreign teachers tell me they experienced one adjustment after another the first month they were here. Dusty's immune system seems to be holding up a little better, although he has been complaining of a sore throat which is how my cold started. But he's like He-Man or something. He never gets as sick or as tired as I do. He's like a 6 month old puppy and I'm like Legend. I try to keep up, but I'm getting old and I tire more quickly.

This week has also been an emotional struggle for me as well. I've felt somewhat lethargic and depressed at times. It's always difficult to pick up and move your life somewhere new. This time is different though. I'm faced with some new challenges. First, I've picked up and moved my life to a foreign country. Second, I did it with my husband rather than alone. I'm learning a lot about myself and Dusty through this process of transition. Dusty says it's like I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I want attention, yet I want to be left alone. I'm like a walking paradox. My mood can change in an instant. I can go from easygoing to irritable in minutes. I'm just so emotional. Luckily, Dusty is very patient with me.

Since moving to Seoul I have noticed a change in our marriage. Our highs feel really high and our lows feel really low. Our feelings and emotions are more intense. Our communication has broken down a few times since we've been here but we are both very stubborn and determined and we hate to be at odds. Because of this, we always find our way back to each other. There are so many things we are forced to renegotiate in our marriage which means we have to communicate about things more than we're used to. This takes a lot of time and patience. Luckily, we have a lot of time. If you pray, you could pray that God would give us more patience with each other... especially me. How we spend money, what activities we participate in, how much time we spend together, how much time we spend alone, how much time we spend together with others, how much time we spend separately with others are all new adjustments. The environment we live in is also a lot different than home. Many of the people in our lives have different values and beliefs. There is a lot of diversity here which is a good thing but different than what we're used to back home. It feels a little like college sometimes. Being married puts us in a minority population. Although most people here are around our age, there are only three other couples living here. Everyone else is single. Sometimes it feels like people automatically classify us as boring just because we're married. I hope we can crush that label. We very much want to have fun with everyone and build relationships with people from all walks of life.

At this point, I think we're trying to figure out where we fit in and who we want to get to know better. Lots of people here like to go out and get trashed. Dusty and I are open to going out and having a drink or two and being social with people but we really have no desire to get wasted. I lived that lifestyle in college and it's not that satisfying, not to mention it's very expensive. Our goal living here is to pay off student loans, not to live a life of excess. It's so hard to live in the world but not be of the world. There is that temptation to try and keep up with everyone just to fit in better. So we find ourselves needing to set boundaries with drinking and going out which is something we've never really had to negotiate before in our relationship. Luckily, there are several people here who aren't into the "party scene" so we have other options of ways to spend our time hanging out with people.

As for me, sometimes I wish I wasn't so shy when I first meet people. I'm always so self-conscious and worried about what others think of me. I can't relax. I watch Dusty meet new people and he seems so at ease. He's like the social butterfly, and I'm like the wall decoration. I feel so awkward. I like to hide in the corner and wait for people to come to me. My mom says I've always been that way and that I can come off as snobby. I know that's how I get judged sometimes but I don't mean to come off that way. I just don't like making meaningless small talk, which is how initial conversations usually are with people you first meet. I tend to sit back and watch others and figure out who I have things in common with. Then, very deliberately I pick my friends. I think this is something inherent in my personality. I've been this way since preschool. Not sure if it's good or bad but it's the way I am and I accept it about myself. The problem with it is, it takes me a long time to make friends. The good side is, I make good, close friends and usually keep them forever. But right now, I'm still a new face in a new place which means I'm still a little uncomfortable and have not figured out who my friends are yet. Luckily, I have my best friend here with me when I feel lonely. It's just that he's made a million friends by now and I'm still feeling alone. I guess that's just one way God created us different. I look forward to the days when I have ease and comfort in relationships with other friends here.

Praises:
- That I am starting to get over my cold and that I have today to rest.
- That God has provided us with others here who share in our beliefs.

Prayers:
- Fellowship with other Believers.
- That God would show us how to love each and every person that comes into our life, no matter their lifestyle or beliefs.
- That God would strengthen our marriage by giving us patience with one another and reminding us to be quick to listen, slow to speak.
- That in our weakness and vulnerability, our faith in God would be strengthened.

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