Messy Rebs

Usually, when I blog, my thoughts are somewhat happy and chipper. Lately, I haven't written anything at all. There are a few reasons for this. I've been extremely busy and haven't had much time to process my thoughts. Also, I've been struggling with my spirituality and relationship with God and haven't known how to articulate it. But, after several months, the writing bug is back. I'm compelled to write, even if the content is solemn and incoherent. So here it is, the ugly, messy, honest side of Rebs.

Right now in my life, I feel like I have a lot of unanswered questions about my personal faith. I guess you could say I'm going through my "second conversion" and it's really not so much fun. Until this point, my life as a Believer in Christ had been relatively safe and comfortable. My faith hadn't been truly challenged or tested until coming here to Korea. Now that I'm here, now that I'm away from the confines of my comfortable little life in middle America, now that I'm living in community with all sorts of people with all sorts of beliefs, now that I'm challenged by others who don't think like me or believe the same things as me, now that I'm away from a healthy body of Believers who love and support me on a consistent basis, well... it's getting much more difficult to hold firm to my beliefs.

For the past several months, God has seemed like this distant figure. It's like God lives back in America with the rest of my family and friends. This is not cool, because NOW is the time when I need God in my life the most. NOW is when I need to be getting filled up on a regular basis. NOW is when I need wisdom, discernment, and answers to my questions. There are so many people here with questions. So many people are searching for answers. So many people are looking to me for guidance and mentorship. And I am empty. Argh! Where is MY guide? Where is God?

If Jesus were standing before me now I would ask Him the following, “How the crap am I supposed to be in the world but not of the world?” And yes, I would ask him just like that, with attitude and exasperation because, I would want Him to know how frustrated I am with things. I am definitely feeling like I'm in the world now. And I don't feel that I'm of this world or living for the pleasures of this world. No, instead I feel like a stranger in a foreign land and it's tough. I don't feel prepared. I don't know how to do it.

I was so sure when I left my life in America that this is where God wanted me. I was willing and able to come here to Korea because God gave me the courage and inner peace. I felt so grounded in who I was in God. I felt like I had a good foundation of what it meant to be a follower of Jesus. And I so wanted to come here so that God could use me to spread his love to people living without answers, without hope, without peace in their lives. My purpose in life made sense. I felt ready.

The world has really shaken me up lately. Looking back, I'm starting to realize how sheltered I've been since becoming a Believer. For four years, I was surrounded by people who loved me, supported me, encouraged me, nurtured me in my faith. I was part of a healthy church, had healthy friends, with healthy marriages, and was surrounded by people with mature faith who were full of wisdom, advice, and guidance. I wish I could've written it all down because I'm starting to feel like all that I've learned is slowly slipping away. I'm starting to fall apart. Things don't make as much sense as they once did and life is becoming more complicated. For eight months I've been testing my wings of faith. At first they worked great but I'm quickly growing tired. I'm running out of fuel and I don't know how to fill myself back up. I feel like my time is being wasted. I'm losing sight of my purpose. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing my job. I feel useless, powerless, and out of control. I feel lost, alone, confused, broken, and I'm struggling. I don't feel like the person I was eight months ago who was so eager to love. Somehow I've slowly become filled with a whole range of negative emotions which impede my ability to love others. Some of these include irritability, anger, frustration, fear, judgmentalism, confusion, loneliness, and bitterness. None of which I feel able to control and none of which I know how to get rid of. I don't want to feel like this. I'd so much rather feel happy, loving, joyful, carefree, optimistic, freespirited, and lighthearted.

But, I'm not giving up. I can't. Because that would mean that my entire life would cease to make sense. No, I'm a fighter and I will persevere and wade through this time of darkness. And this I know, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I can't see it yet, but I know that it's there. How do I know? Because I have faith and I have committed my life to God. I Believe in Him even when he feels far away. And I know that someday I will look back on this time in my life and thank Him for all He's taught me.

Watch out for Monsoon Season

So monsoon season started two days ago and it's been raining ever since. Okay, not really all the time, but it has rained every day for the majority of the day since it started. But Friday is supposed to be mostly clear. The good news is that we live up near the mountain, so the air is about 5 degrees cooler on average than in the city. It's kind of cool (literally and metaphorically) because when you start walking up the street toward our village, you can feel the change. It's refreshing now that the weather is warmer. And there's a lot of vegetation as well, especially for Seoul, which is mostly 3 or more story buildings, sidewalks, concrete, pavement, and dirt playgrounds. Yes, I said dirt. There is no "free" grass to sit on or play in for the most part. There are just too many people, so whenever it's planted, it usually wears away because too many people trample it out. So when you walk by a playground, you can always expect to see a light brown dirt covering mixed with some sand. It's a little saddening.
I guess this is it for now. I just had a few minutes to kill before going into work. oh, and here's my attempt at linking a video to the title of this message. Our friend Jeremy took a sequence of pictures starting at his apartment door and making the trip to "On the Border" in Sinchon, about an hour away. This is just about the same commute we take to go to church every week. It's really creative photography, and if you watch closely, you might see some people you know. ;) Just go up to the top and click on the title "Watch out for Monsoon Season"

Good Weather Means No Blogging

so most of you know that rebs and i like to do things in the outdoors. and just like in the states, korea's springtime weather is excellent for just about any outdoor activity. so for the past month and then some, we've been going climbing almost every weekend. here are some pics and updates.

the top picture is us standing in front of our favorite crag so far, called ganhyun (like canyon with a g). next is a photo of rebs climbing her first ever finished multi-pitch route. i was really proud of her and i'm sure she's glad to be finished with it because i know it was a bit scary for her... and she knew that i really wanted for her to be able to do it. but i have bad news. these will be some of the last pictures you will see of us in korea for a while because i mindlessly left our digital camera on the train on our way back. i've been kicking myself many times since then.

i've been reading the paper a lot since we stopped getting the bbc world chanel on our tv. i've been amazed at all the stories i'm reading about the u.s. economy. gas at $4 a gallon seems very unfathomable, but is become very much a reality. the way my mind works usually is i see a problem and try to fix. so even though rising gas prices doesn't affect us while we're here because we always take the public transportation, it will when we come home. and then what? i know fayetteville is building a paved pathway for runners and bikers throughout the city. so maybe i'll just be riding my bike everywhere. i also looked up running your car on water, basically using a converter to extract the hydrogen from water. according to internet sources, this is one form of a hybrid these days. and there's also talk of a guy who can run his car entirely on water, and he's supposedly in communication with a major american car company. http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=6Rb_rDkwGnU check it out for yourself. but it is fox news, so i'm not so sure. :) hopefully by the time we come back there will be something figured out. i'm curious to hear your stories about how oil prices are affecting you.

i'mgoing to have to be done for now because rebs is starting to study for her n.c.e. exam to become a counselor when we return to the states, and she needs the computer for that. so i'll say goodbye, though i have much more to talk about.

Basking

So, what is a girl to do on a random day off when her husband has to work? Well, today I'm getting caught up on some rest as my body continues to adjust to the time change. I woke up at 6am again this morning and can't bring myself to take a nap. It's way too nice of a day to be indoors. So... here I am back in the woods, laying on our hammock, enjoying the warm spring breeze with sounds of birds chirping and flies buzzing, while writing my thoughts on our laptop. I can hear the voices of Korean kids in the distance as they play ultimate frisbee just up the hill. It's a good day. In fact, it's a good week.

I was so excited to come home from the States. Doesn't that sound weird? Come home from the States? But yes, I'm afraid Korea has become my home. At least for the time being. My heart is at rest, my soul finds joy, and I feel alive. It was great to be in America and be reminded of how amazing my friends and family are there. I am blessed to have so many people who love and support me. Though as much as I loved being home, visiting with my family, eating familiar food, sleeping in a soft bed, enjoying the comforts I haven't had for the past six months, I felt this longing to return to my “home”. Oh, how I missed my husband and couldn't wait to jump into his arms and snuggle up to him at night. How I missed the dear friends that I've made and the adorable kids that I teach each day. How I missed my daily life: the morning runs through the woods, hearing the Buddhist monks chant in the distance, laughing with my Korean friends at the climbing gym, climbing, sharing meals with my friends, telling of our diverse lives and experiences, eating sushi, and teaching my students how to speak English and loving on them each day.

Getting away from my daily routine always helps give me more perspective on my life. After returning home to Korea I think I'm realizing, perhaps this is the happiest and most content I've been in my life. I feel, in this far eastern land, I have finally found balance. It's an art I have never been able to master. And I know that as my life ebbs and flows, that balance will come and go. But it's nice to enjoy it while it lasts and bask in God's creation on my day off. The end.

Update

Rebecca is back in the states right now. When she comes back on Monday, she will have been gone for 10 days, the most we've been apart since my road trip 3 years ago, and definitely the most since we've been married. The purpose of her trip was to be able to spend time with her grandpa. He's 84 and is well along in years. His mind is sharp, but his body is failing. So rather than go home for a funeral, she chose to go spend time with him and the rest of our family for a bit. When i talked to her a couple days ago (God bless you, skype!), she was doing well. She said it had been really hard to leave. She had stayed the longest of anyone else, and it was almost as if his energy fluctuated in accordance with how many people were there. Imagine saying goodbye to someone you won't see on this earth again. That's possibly what she was doing. Please pray for Blackie McFall, that his quality of life will be good until its end.

It's hard to follow such a somber subject. I'm missing Rebs a lot right now. I have a small amount of anxiety that keeps me from always being able to read my body. For example, I didn't feel tired last night while I stayed up packing for climbing this weekend and watching a movie. When I finished packing, I sat down to watch the movie a bit longer. I felt tired, but not sleepy. Then I looked at the clock and realized it was after 1 a.m. But I didn't feel tired yet, so I decided to stay up and watch the rest of it. I didn't go to bed until 2, but by then my heart rate had risen and I was a little bit shaky. Even when I laid down, I didn't feel sleepy, but I knew my body needed rest. It's as if my mind is battling my body. The effects of separating the one body of marriage.

I went to feed the homeless on Wednesday night. It was a new experience. I remember going with my family and church friends downtown to feed the homeless when I was little and it was always a little scary because of the environment. But I didn't feel scared this time. I feel like God has shown me His heart through this. Rather than seeing the dirty, smelly, aged-beyond-their-years people that they are, I saw a society in need. They were people no different than anyone else. Our jobs were relatively simple. We helped carry hot water and tables and things downstairs to a small, circular pavilion-like area in the subway station. Then we put aprons on showing we were workers, bowed to each other and to the crowd (the leaders of this thing are Buddhist), and then got to work filling paper cups with instant coffee and hot water. They also handed out triangular rice cake things that could easily sit in one hand. This was their dinner. Everything was passed out on trays rather than going through a line, which was to keep the people from feeling like they were lower.
Pride is a big thing in Korea. One of my friends told me that they were once trying to donate money to the head guy before they left and mistook one of the homeless men for the worker and tried to give him their money. The guy wouldn't take it. He instead pointed them in the right direction. In America, people seem more willing to take handouts. And if they get them often enough, they begin to expect them.
Something about the way the Korean government works. If you don't have family in Korea, you can expect for your life to be very difficult. Many Korean people live with their parents until they get married. The average age to get married for men is in their early 30s, and women in their late 20s. One of the reasons for this is because housing costs are outrageous. So if you don't get along with your family or you lose your family, your life is expected to be difficult. The second part of all this is that the government does very little to help people who are homeless. There are orphanage-like places where parents take their kids if they can't afford to give them proper care. But as far as adult programs, my understanding is that the government's welfare program consists of giving a homeless person the equivalent of $30 a month to live off of. There are no programs to get people back on their feet, get them educated, even get them a shower. And if a dirty, smelly, Korean came into a gym wanting to pay money to take a shower, I wouldn't be surprised if they were turned away for the sake of "saving face" and not scaring off the other customers. It's a really sad thing. So as I poor coffee, I can't help but wonder, isn't there more that can be done?
In the past, I think I knew that there was a lot not being done. So my way of dealing with it was ignorance. If I didn't involve myself, then I wouldn't know. And not knowing sometimes seems better than realizing an ugly truth. Because when we see an ugly truth, we feel an urge to do something. And that means that we have to give up some of our precious time or money. And ignorance is often-times pretty comfortable.
My challenge to anyone reading this is to open your eyes to those around you who are the lowest of the low. How do you treat them? How does your culture treat them? What changes need to be made, and what are you willing and able to do to make those changes happen?

My birthday was last week, and it turned out to be a really good week. On my birthday, Rebs and I went out to eat at a cool little place in Itaewon, called Sid & Mel's. That's Austrailan short for Sydney and Melbourne. Rebs got the fish and chips and I got a tasty burger. Then, after eating half our meals, I remembered that I had seen a Cold Stone across the street when we came out of the subway. So we bagged the rest of our dinner and enjoyed some nice dessert. It was a simple birthday for simply turning 26.

Then on Friday, we had sent out an email earlier that week to meet up with people that night. So around 8pm, we went to a cool little Italian place called Di Matteo's. The prices were fair, but when we got our food, wow! There was so much cheese! I ordered lasagna and had trouble finding where the noodles were because there had to have been a pound of cheese melted on top of it.

It's hard to write about the experience in a way that can accentuate the goodness of it. It wasn't the food, or necessarily just the atmosphere, but just a really dynamic group of people. We ended up staying until the waitress came over and told us that they were closing. Our conversations were just fun and funny and interesting. It was a Brit, a few Americans, and a few Kiwi's (New Zealanders).
On our way out, we were talking about where to go next because we wanted to find a good jazz bar to hang out at, and one person suggested Jazz Story, which happened to be a place that our friend Luke had been looking for online for some time. So the rest of us gladly obliged. Jazz story turned out to be this awesome atmosphere, though there was a cover charge and slightly pricey drinks. The owner had renovated the building to look sort of rustic/woodsy. The windows were made with rebarb and glass in the shape of an eye. Our table was a 4 inch solid wood lathe table with the lathe still attached at the end. But again, our company couldn't have been better. We stayed until close to 2 in the morning, talking, hanging out, and one of our friends who is a musician went to talk with the owner about playing sometime and the owner suggested that he play then. So he jammed for about 20 minutes before we left. It was just a really good night.

Next time, I'll have to bring the camera and get pictures.

For those of you who haven't seen Rebs' facebook albums, here's a picture of our elephant ride in Thailand.