Saturday, June 28, 2008

Messy Rebs

Usually, when I blog, my thoughts are somewhat happy and chipper. Lately, I haven't written anything at all. There are a few reasons for this. I've been extremely busy and haven't had much time to process my thoughts. Also, I've been struggling with my spirituality and relationship with God and haven't known how to articulate it. But, after several months, the writing bug is back. I'm compelled to write, even if the content is solemn and incoherent. So here it is, the ugly, messy, honest side of Rebs.

Right now in my life, I feel like I have a lot of unanswered questions about my personal faith. I guess you could say I'm going through my "second conversion" and it's really not so much fun. Until this point, my life as a Believer in Christ had been relatively safe and comfortable. My faith hadn't been truly challenged or tested until coming here to Korea. Now that I'm here, now that I'm away from the confines of my comfortable little life in middle America, now that I'm living in community with all sorts of people with all sorts of beliefs, now that I'm challenged by others who don't think like me or believe the same things as me, now that I'm away from a healthy body of Believers who love and support me on a consistent basis, well... it's getting much more difficult to hold firm to my beliefs.

For the past several months, God has seemed like this distant figure. It's like God lives back in America with the rest of my family and friends. This is not cool, because NOW is the time when I need God in my life the most. NOW is when I need to be getting filled up on a regular basis. NOW is when I need wisdom, discernment, and answers to my questions. There are so many people here with questions. So many people are searching for answers. So many people are looking to me for guidance and mentorship. And I am empty. Argh! Where is MY guide? Where is God?

If Jesus were standing before me now I would ask Him the following, “How the crap am I supposed to be in the world but not of the world?” And yes, I would ask him just like that, with attitude and exasperation because, I would want Him to know how frustrated I am with things. I am definitely feeling like I'm in the world now. And I don't feel that I'm of this world or living for the pleasures of this world. No, instead I feel like a stranger in a foreign land and it's tough. I don't feel prepared. I don't know how to do it.

I was so sure when I left my life in America that this is where God wanted me. I was willing and able to come here to Korea because God gave me the courage and inner peace. I felt so grounded in who I was in God. I felt like I had a good foundation of what it meant to be a follower of Jesus. And I so wanted to come here so that God could use me to spread his love to people living without answers, without hope, without peace in their lives. My purpose in life made sense. I felt ready.

The world has really shaken me up lately. Looking back, I'm starting to realize how sheltered I've been since becoming a Believer. For four years, I was surrounded by people who loved me, supported me, encouraged me, nurtured me in my faith. I was part of a healthy church, had healthy friends, with healthy marriages, and was surrounded by people with mature faith who were full of wisdom, advice, and guidance. I wish I could've written it all down because I'm starting to feel like all that I've learned is slowly slipping away. I'm starting to fall apart. Things don't make as much sense as they once did and life is becoming more complicated. For eight months I've been testing my wings of faith. At first they worked great but I'm quickly growing tired. I'm running out of fuel and I don't know how to fill myself back up. I feel like my time is being wasted. I'm losing sight of my purpose. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing my job. I feel useless, powerless, and out of control. I feel lost, alone, confused, broken, and I'm struggling. I don't feel like the person I was eight months ago who was so eager to love. Somehow I've slowly become filled with a whole range of negative emotions which impede my ability to love others. Some of these include irritability, anger, frustration, fear, judgmentalism, confusion, loneliness, and bitterness. None of which I feel able to control and none of which I know how to get rid of. I don't want to feel like this. I'd so much rather feel happy, loving, joyful, carefree, optimistic, freespirited, and lighthearted.

But, I'm not giving up. I can't. Because that would mean that my entire life would cease to make sense. No, I'm a fighter and I will persevere and wade through this time of darkness. And this I know, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I can't see it yet, but I know that it's there. How do I know? Because I have faith and I have committed my life to God. I Believe in Him even when he feels far away. And I know that someday I will look back on this time in my life and thank Him for all He's taught me.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Watch out for Monsoon Season

So monsoon season started two days ago and it's been raining ever since. Okay, not really all the time, but it has rained every day for the majority of the day since it started. But Friday is supposed to be mostly clear. The good news is that we live up near the mountain, so the air is about 5 degrees cooler on average than in the city. It's kind of cool (literally and metaphorically) because when you start walking up the street toward our village, you can feel the change. It's refreshing now that the weather is warmer. And there's a lot of vegetation as well, especially for Seoul, which is mostly 3 or more story buildings, sidewalks, concrete, pavement, and dirt playgrounds. Yes, I said dirt. There is no "free" grass to sit on or play in for the most part. There are just too many people, so whenever it's planted, it usually wears away because too many people trample it out. So when you walk by a playground, you can always expect to see a light brown dirt covering mixed with some sand. It's a little saddening.
I guess this is it for now. I just had a few minutes to kill before going into work. oh, and here's my attempt at linking a video to the title of this message. Our friend Jeremy took a sequence of pictures starting at his apartment door and making the trip to "On the Border" in Sinchon, about an hour away. This is just about the same commute we take to go to church every week. It's really creative photography, and if you watch closely, you might see some people you know. ;) Just go up to the top and click on the title "Watch out for Monsoon Season"